Holy Moly....it's happened!!!!

My non-verbal, high sensory ASD DS is now verbal!!!! At 3.5, it's been a long time coming. And his vocabulary is only about 30ish words. But HE IS TALKING!!!!!

There is nothing more sweet than those few words coming clearly and distinctly out of his mouth. I love hearing his voice. I love hearing him communicate. I love that we have made it this far!

One of our long term "IEP" goals for him is to go to regular/typical kindergarten. I love the special needs program in our school district. I love the Autism program in our district too. But he would thrive and do very well in a standard classroom, leaving those few precious spots for a child who needs it more. But the teachers and specialists say he has to talk to be in a typical classroom.

It's going to happen! His teacher talked to me today about our goals. We have this year and next year of preschool to get through first, but it's going to happen.

When I look back at the last year with him, I am reminded of so many challenges. I remember all those days when he would cry and cry and cry with frustration and I would cry because I couldn't help him.

I remember just praying for him to talk. Even 2 words! I remember dragging him to speech therapy week after week after week, and not getting a single sound.

The pediatric development specialist said speech may come, but there was no guarantee. He was sure that my special little boy just wasn't ready to talk yet.

So, he has made some major accomplishments. He managed to bridge some gap in his brain. He has figured out what communication is for and how it works. And we  are so happy! He is so happy!

He said during nap (I could hear him through the baby monitor), "MOMMMMMMY!!!!! Brody up!!! Brody up!! Brody eat! Brody eat, Mommy!"

Not huge big sentences. But words. Words that have a purpose and make sense. Words that have meaning.

And he called me "mommy".

I believe in fairies

Yep, here at our house, fairies are real.

They have to be, they back up all that parenting I do.

So the first fairy to "come into existence" at our house was the binki fairy.

Conjure up a little girl, at the ripe old age of 3 who still has a binki. (gross, I know) But I had a baby, I was pregnant, and I was not about to take away the one thing that helped calm her. And my DD had an ear piercing scream that could make your ears bleed. A binki was almost a necessity.

Let's focus on the good here, not the fact that I had a huge belly, a screaming baby on my hip, and my 3 year old was running around with a binki in her mouth. (And I bet I was probably standing in the kitchen barefoot too!)

In all honesty, she only had the binki in her bed. We had long since weaned her down to bedtime only. (Which was a process in itself.) But, the day had come when the binki fairy would pay us a visit.

Here is my *gold star* advice!

We sent a note to our daughter from the binki fairy. The fairy stated that our DD needed to leave all her binkis for the fairy so she could make them into her castle, and the fairy would leave a WONDERFUL FAIRY GIFT.

DD bought it. Out when the binkis in a bag on the porch. (Mama had prepared for this with a rather expensive trip to Target.) And when she wasn't looking, the binki bag was replaced with a huge fanciful bag full of fairy goodies. There was a crown, a tutu, stickers, a movie, some costume jewelry, a wand, and lord knows what else. I told you I went crazy, how can you not, it's Target?

Anyway, the bag was a huge hit. The fairy has decorated it with glitter and sparkles. It was special and girly. She got a certificate saying our DD was an honorary fairy. And the binkis were long forgotten......

until bedtime.

After brushing her teeth, our smart DD gathered up all the fairy stuff, put it back in the bag and gave it to me saying, "K mommy, I don't want to be a fairy anymore, I want my binkis back."

After 35 minutes of intense crying, she did go to sleep. We sat in the living room and turned the TV up a little louder than normal. It almost killed me. I almost gave in. But my DH made me stay in the living room.

After 2 bedtimes and 1 nap time, she was over it. She quit crying and asking for them. She was officially a big girl.

sigh 

And after all that trouble I still let my baby have one. And when the 3rd came, he got one too. With #4, I still gave him one.

I didn't really learn a lesson, but at least I have a tried and true method to get rid of them.

Hopefully my boys will believe in fairies too.

Crime and Punishment

We discipline at our house. Some days, a lot.

There are 4 children 5 and under here, so mischief seems to dump on our days. At times, they can't help it, they're children. Other times, sibling rivalry gets the better of them.

We use time out, or as we call it, "the NAUGHTY spot" and they really hate it. But they (shockingly) sit for the duration of their punishment.  We put toys in "time-out", which can be very effective. We occasionally dole out a spanking. We use re-direction. Sometimes our daughter looses privileges. We praise good behavior (when we remember) and we try to set a good example.

But more importantly, we are consistent. Creative, but consistent.

Discipline is a LOT of work for us as parents. It barely seems worth it.

The other day my 5 y.o DD and 3 y.o. DS were tussling like puppies. (There is no other term for it.) I had tried re-directing, asking them to please choose a different game. But they seemed intent on wrestling around. At some point, my son "developed" a bloody nose when his face came in contact with the kitchen floor. It was a purely accidental accident. It wasn't purposeful or hurtful....but he was hurt.

I was annoyed, and a little frustrated, but I wasn't angry or mad. True, they know better, especially my 5 y.o. DD.  So, for "punishment" I asked her to sit in the naughty spot until his nose stopped bleeding. She sat, and sat, and sat. It was a pretty bad bloody nose. And she was REALLY bored.

But, something happened.

The next time they were tussling and I asked them to find something else to do, I reminded her of what happened the last time. Her response, "I don't want to make him have any blood!" and she immediately found a new game, and her brother was quick to follow suit.

Miracle!!!!!!!

I consider it a major breakthrough in our discipline policies. Gold star for mom!

We also use "time out" for toys. If they are arguing or fighting over ANY toy, I put it in time-out and NO ONE gets to play with it. After the first few times, all I have to say when they start squabbling is, "Does that toy need a time out?" Instant sharing occurs.

Now our system works pretty well for our family. But it works because we are consistent. When I threaten, it isn't really a threat, I mean it. And my kids know that if I say blank, I mean it.

I do this because I love them. If I don't discipline them, the world will, and the world doesn't love them. I would be a pretty terrible parent sending my children out into the world with no concept of limitations or respect for rules.

But mostly I discipline because I enjoy peace and quiet.

Leaps and Bounds

Well, there is nothing like seeing your child progressing to make you feel like you're on the right track.

It seems like all 4 of my kiddos are making huge strides lately.

And it makes me feel good, like I'm doing something right.

Let's start small. My 4 month old DS can now grab a toy (or binki or blanket or my shirt) and get it in his mouth. And he laughs about it! Nothing brings a mommy more joy than a baby who can entertain himself and really love it. And he doesn't have one of those cute baby laughs. He sounds like a broken velociraptor from Jurassic Park. It's a little hard to ignore him having a good time.

My 2 year old DS is putting away the dishes in the dishwasher. All the ones he can reach. He is so helpful. He really is. This child knows where everything goes! He will even move things around that someone else put away wrong. Amazing, since in 6 years I will have to threaten his to do anything I want him to.

My 5 year old DD has finally mastered her numbers. She has been struggling the last 6 months to recognize numbers after 10. I mean really struggling. Flashcards, worksheets, manipulative's, everything. And nothing helped. She was so aware that she didn't have them down. And it bothered her. Then, one day, it just clicked. She is so proud of herself, and I am so proud of her.

And I'm sooooo proud of them all.

But, there's always a but. I have a brings-tears-to-your-eyes proud moment of my son that I just have to share.

My 3 year old DS is a nonverbal, high-sensory, autistic child. There have been a few moments where it was discussed that he would never talk. That he would never grasp the concept of language. But he showed us he "got it" this week.

His place mat at the table has the alphabet on it. He pointed right at E and said "E." Clear as day. He looked at me, pointed at it, and said it again, "E." I showed him O, and he said that one too. He can also say the letter I. Not only is he saying it, he is recognizing letters.

And it wasn't a fluke. He did it again later for daddy. He is learning his letters! He is getting the speech concept and formulating it in his brain. He is making a connection too.

....sorry, wiped a tear just reliving the moment.

When your child makes huge strides, it's hard to not get emotional.

I am soooo proud of all my kids. I am proud they grow and learn each day. And I treasure all these moments because I know that they build upon more. And each accomplishment they make today, will help them be a better, smarter, more complete person tomorrow.

And I cherish each moment because I love them. It's what a mommy is supposed to do.

Wanted: 1 perfect person

When it comes to my children my list of requirements is pretty long. I recently went back to work part time. I needed a part time nanny for a few hours, a few days a week. I quickly discovered how hard I am to please. (Although my DH has been saying this for years!)

I have plenty of help from various family members. I have a few great sitters. But I really wanted 1 person to come in and help me out, on a regular schedule. I figured it would be better for the kids if it was the same person all the time. (Rather than grandma, or a sitter one day, then some one else another....)

I figured I would pay a very reasonable amount for someone to watch 2-3 of my children at one time, for no more than 4 hours. I would prep lunch, get everything out, leave detailed instructions, and require no type of housework of any kind. I would never be far away, I would never leave them with sick kids, and I had the ability to be pretty flexible on time and days.

Good lord, I must have asked the impossible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here was my request:

*Wanted: One responsible adult to care for my children. This is a part time job, around 20 hours each week. Days and times are partially flexible.

Not one single applicant fit the bill. (Well, not true. There was one girl, she was 20 and would have worked perfectly but she wanted $28 an hour. Which seemed a bit crazy.)

They were smokers. They wanted to bring their 2 children. They had a dog they wanted to bring with. They didn't have a good grasp on reality.....

You name it, I saw it.

Maybe I'm too picky.

But I figure, in the long run, you can never be too picky when it comes to your children, especially when you have the opportunity to control it. There will be plenty of time in the future where I don't get a say in who they spend their time with. I guess high standards are inconvenient, but they do have a pay off. Hopefully by NOT subjecting my children to a sitter who would rather text/talk/surf on her phone, they gain better social skills with a sitter who will play with them.

I don't expect to see eye-to-eye with every potential candidate. I'm pretty strict, I'm very organized, and a little uptight. It's nice for my children to spend time with responsible people who don't have those characteristics. (Well, my DH is lenient, laid back, and spontaneous....so they do get a break from me when he is home.) But I do expect the people who are helping me "raise" my children have similar core values and motivations. I do expect them to be respectful. And I mean respectful to myself, my children, and my parenting decisions. And I guess that's hard for many potential nannies to understand.

I don't require that my sitters or nannies agree or practice our parenting, but I do expect them to respect the choices we make. Advice is fine, tips and tricks are welcome. But do NOT deliberately ignore my requirements.

With one potential candidate we discussed babies. I practice baby-wearing, I nurse, I use cloth diapers....I'm a little granola. I rarely let my babies cry "just because." I feel that "crying it out" doesn't really apply to children under a year. They just don't understand. I pick them up and hold them, I rock them, we try something new. It's pretty time consuming, but babies are time consuming. (It's their job!) This girl looked me straight in the eye and said, "All babies need time to cry, we'll just have to work on that. You can't expect me to hold him all day."

Hmmm.....nope. Thanks so much for your time.

Another candidate smoked. But she would go outside to do it. Well. Thanks for stepping out and leaving my children alone for 5 minutes. And then come in reeking of cigarettes, which I'm sure the children will be exposed to. Not really something I want to deal with. Plus, I have to continuously explain to them that smoking is "yucky" and to never do it. The more children are around and exposed to a particular behavior, the more susceptible they are to pick up that behavior. No thanks.

Bleh....

Until I expect less from people, and lower my standards, what we have will work. I guess I will continue to "make-do" with my support network. They don't seem to mind and my children don't seem to mind. So a nanny isn't really for our family at this time, but that's okay. I still get the things I need to done and my children aren't suffering, what more could a busy mommy ask for?

A day in the life of......

bleh.....

My 3 year old, high-sensory, non-verbal Autistic son had a HORRIBLE day today. I would have to say 90% of it was due to "autism" behaviors, 5% due to him being a 3 year old boy, and 5% due to mommy losing her patience.

Let's start at the beginning. He has never slept. Ever. His body doesn't produce enough melatonin for him to have "normal" or regular sleep patterns. He was up at 5:45 am. And not just awake, but screaming-thrashing-hyper-awake.

At 5:45.

His body was so over-stimulated he couldn't handle a bath. He screamed and cried when I washed his hair because he couldn't take the sensation. He picked at his clothes and wiggled so much I had to hold him down to get him dressed. We had to adjust his socks 3 times before he would walk. He wouldn't eat breakfast. He cried when we brushed his teeth.

And we do the same routine every morning. Every single morning. And it was just one of those days he just couldn't do it. He literally looked like some one poured caffeine directly into his blood stream. He was vibrating with energy.

And he didn't want to be that way. He really wanted to watch a cartoon, play with his racetrack, and read a book but he couldn't sit still. He couldn't even stop moving long enough to enjoy any activity. And it made him sad and frustrated. He really wanted to be calm. He just didn't know how to achieve that.

Now this isn't a blog about autism. Although it's a huge part of our lives, every single minute, this is about how I can make it to the end of the day then get up again and do it tomorrow.

I am emotionally done for today. After all the skills, tips, and techniques we have to get him through these rough parts, I sometimes don't have much leftover.

And I feel a little lost.

But....

I can (and will) make it through days like this because I have support. I know that at therapy today, he got lots of stimulation.

I know that I could gripe and vent to several caring others, who will listen, if nothing else. (And sometimes that's all a good mommy needs, a bitch session)

I know that my DH would come home and pick up the slack or at least take over. (And that's after his day at work plus the commute home.)

And I know that if it was a REALLY REALLY REALLY  bad day, I could call a "someone" to come help me or give me a break.

And, in all honesty, we don't have days like this often. We rarely see this kind of behavior because we have done our homework, we do everything to we can to "prevent" this kind of stuff. (Truthfully, I have no idea what set today off) But I know that they happen. And I have built a support system upon people who I can rely and trust to help me weather these rough days.

In reality, they aren't just helping me survive the "bad" days, they are helping my beautiful, smart, funny (but autistic) child who desperately needs structure and routine just to function.

A good support system is hard to build. It's even harder when you need more than the average person is capable of giving. But I wouldn't trade my support network for a gazillion dollars (that's my 5 yo DD favorite number!).

So it was a rough day. But it could have been worse. No one ended up with stitches. I didn't wreck the car. I didn't pull all my hair out.

And right now, he is sleeping peacefully in his bed. He is exhausted after his day today. But I know when I go check on him before I call it a night, I can kiss his cheek and forgive every battle we had today. I know I can start tomorrow fresh and ready to handle anything that comes our way.

Please welcome the crazy lady!!!!

I think people who don't know me (and by that I mean "see me in action") forget how young all my children are.

As of right now my daughter is 5 1/2. There's almost 2 1/2 years between my daughter and my son. My son is 3 and my next son is 2. They are 13 months apart, exactly. The baby is 3 months. The two youngest are 20 months apart. That's 4 babies in 5 years.

And let me tell you, at our local grocery store, we are a sensation.

I hardley ever shop at night, I love my "down time" too much to go out. I hate paying a sitter so I can shop at naptime. I also shop during the day because I'm already out and about, it saves time and money combining trips. We drop my daughter off at preschool and the 3 boys and I head to the store.

deep breath

It's energy sapping. It takes a lot of patience. But honestly, it's not hard because of the kids, it's the other shoppers who make it difficult.

My 3 year old walks next to the cart. He does, he really does. He holds on and walks all over the store with me. (And 99% of the time, he does it happily.)

My 2 year old rides in the cart. (With a cart cover, he LICKS everything, gross!) He holds the shopping list and my pen. Again, 99% of the time he does this happily.

The baby goes in a front pack. Lately he has been awake long enough to check things out for a bit, but typically he spends the shopping trip unconcious. So he totally qualitifes for the 99% happily part.

What I don't get is.....I am shopping with 3 small quiet, well-behaved children and I still get plenty of critisicm. Now I typically don't mind advice or comments or tips....but I am really starting to get fed up with some of the crap that flows out of people's mouths. Here are some of my favorites:

"Those are all yours?" I nod "My god! Please stop!"

"Wow, I can't believe you have that many kids! That's ridiculous."

"Why would you want that many babies?" (I was prego at the time with #4)

"Good lord! Look! That's insane! I bet her house is a mess." (This was a couple whispering, loudly, to each other behind me in line)

I don't get it. My children are clean, wearing clean clothes. They are behaving themselves with out pleading, begging, or yelling on my part. No one is crying. No one has a fit (usually), and no one runs away!

I think part of my problem is I go in the mornings. There are a lot more poeple there who are NOT in a hurry. It's also the same morning the senior center does their shopping. And typically they dole out some of the nicest compliments I ever get. My top favorites:

"Wow! Look at you! You remind me of myself, with my 4!! I know you're a busy momma!"

"That baby has more hair than I do. But I bet I still have more teeth!"

"What wonderful children you have! They are so well behaved." (Then my 2 year old in the cart bit my hand) "Don't worry Honey, they don't leave scars!"

And I would have to say that I get 6 nice compliments to every horrid one. But I still am baffled why some one would go out of their way to say unkind things to me.

It's not like I'm walking around with 7 children who are whining, crying, running away, or tearing things off the shelves. I'm not screaming or yelling. (to me 7 seems like a lot, not 5, not 6, but 7.....)

I usually brush off most comments. I wish I was a person with quick wit....I never have a comeback for the negative ones. (I always think of them on the way home!) But it makes me wonder, what is a lady who takes 4 kids to the store supposed to be like?

.....maybe it's the crazy look in my eye?

You are what you eat....

Well, since I had chicken and rice, it means I'm healthy, right?

My DD was asking me why we don't hang out with some old friends of ours. I had a very hard time giving her a good answer. So I told her the truth.

"We don't play with Dick & Jane anymore because we don't play the same kinds of games they do." My 5 year old seemed to think this was the perfect answer. Her response was pretty typical. "Yeah, I like playing ponies more than baby dolls anyway."

As parents, we choose to hang out with other parents who have similar parenting styles as our own. It helps us be/become better parents. It helps us stay consistent (the single most valuable piece of parenting you can ever have!) and it gives us an outlet to compare to.

Let me explain the situation so you understand better.

Our children have limited television exposure. My DD doesn't know who Hannah Montana or Miley Cyrus or who ever else is popular right now. Simply because those shows and the people who represent them offer nothing of value to my family. What ever television my children do watch, reflects what we as parents value. Right now, it's education and development. Entertainment is so highly over-rated. No 5 year old will suffer because they had no exposure to Sponge Bob. Plus they have their entire life to be entertained.

I honestly think those particular shows are mindless and ridiculous. And that's not to say that hundreds of children find them hilarious, because they do. I would just prefer my children to find better outlets for entertainment and humor.

And the other side of that coin is, we prefer our children not to watch much television at all. Their "job" as children is to play. If they are too busy watching ANY kind of television, they are not learning the play skills they need to be successful adults.

So we quit hanging out with "Dick & Jane" because they watched television ALL THE TIME!!!! It was on all day long. And it wasn't even child appropriate television. I do not want my children repeating ANYTHING they hear on Jerry Springer, or whatever day time drama show happens to be on.

I sort of questioned the parents of "Dick & Jane." I stumbled around the point for a bit with, "Wow!! your kids are sure into these programs" and "my goodness, does he always recite all the commercials?" But my point wasn't really that clear.

And I'm not a "confronting" kind of person. It's not my job to tell others how to parent. Especially when they aren't asking for tips and advice. So rather than saying, "You guys are lazy parents who are stealing your children's childhood away from them by dumping them in front of ignorant programs all day instead of playing with them or reading to them and we really don't want that kind of influence on our kids or ourselves." We just canceled a few play dates and had "other" things to do when they wanted to visit.

Don't get me wrong, my children DO watch television. But they are 2, 3, and 5. They watch programming geared at their age groups for limited periods of time. Like Sesame Street. We watch a show or two, not one or two hours a day.

They have more important things to do than watch TV. They have towers to build, cars to race, books to read, pages to color, dollies to feed, concoctions to make, stories to tell, toys to hide, games to learn and play, things to dig up, bikes to ride, pictures to paint, play doh to mold, cookies to bake, forts to create, ......

you get my drift.

Now this isn't just about TV. It's about surrounding yourself and your family with those who are on the same page as yourself. The whole "if you surround yourself with positive people, you're a positive person. If you surround yourself with negative people, you become negative" theory.

We try to hang out with people who have strong, healthy marriages. People who feel that discipline is important when raising children. People who make healthy lifestyle choices.

And I'll tell you why I think this is important. When we were hanging out with "Dick & Jane" and their parents, I found my children were watching lots of television. I found myself saying, "Oh, it's fine, they're only kids once...." and other excuses. Rather than playing with my kids, I let the television do it for me. And I felt BAD!!!!! My poor kids deserve better memories of their childhood than sitting in front of the TV. And I let others influence that goal.

I'm not a weak person. I didn't actively make those choices, but since I was surrounding myself with people who didn't really care, I discovered it was affecting me just by default. And I love my children way to much to let that happen.

So, you are what you eat. You are what you watch. And you "are" who you hang out with to certain degrees.

The inspiration is lacking....

After today, I'm not sure I have any thing left to write a witty or smart post. Today tested my mothering abilities to the MAX!!!! I hate it when most of the day goes right down the tubes.

So with 4 children, 5 and under, my two middle boys (almost 2 & 3) had yucky tummies, and we cloth diaper. I will NOT elaborate on that any further, I will have nightmares about this day just from that stand point. The baby (a whole 6 weeks old ) was pretty fussy and wanted to nurse every hour. My 5 year old was feeling left out and her asthma was flaring up in a major way. Plus it snowed (it's the end of freakin' February!!!!!!) and I needed to run to Target.

I probably don't need to add much after that description. I can imagine most parents already throwing in the towel. I just about did.

After a quick trip to the doctor with the 2 "yucky-tummy" boys, a Target run, a few nebulizer treatments, some major baby wearing in my trusty Moby, and an amazing MIL......I did manage to pull through, and all the children remain unscathed.

But some major parenting came into play. My children all have completely different needs. Today was a MAJOR play on that. They are all so different anyway, but adding a bad day to that......good heavens. I quickly came to realize that it wasn't about getting or giving them all the same treatment, but making sure they all got what they needed.

Let me go ahead and repeat that......it wasn't about making sure they had the same (insert an option: privileges, discipline, attention....) but making sure they got what they needed. I think that may be one of the most inspirational things I could ever write about.
As a parent my job is not making sure they all get the same thing, but they all get what they need.

(huge wave of relief washes over me)

Now, trying to get my children to understand that......totally different story. And when I figure that out, I will get back to you.

I can't imagine trying to make sure they all got the same thing today. Their needs are all so different. Sure my 5 y.o. moaned and groaned when she had to wait because her sick brothers needed something, or I was yet again nursing the baby. But she didn't have the same needs as her brothers. (hard lesson, I know)

But, at the end of the day, when they are all asleep and I can process and reflect on the day...I think I may have earned a gold star. Not because I made it through, not because the house is still intact, but because I made a HUGE parenting breakthrough. And, trust me, I don't have them very often.