Wanted: 1 perfect person

When it comes to my children my list of requirements is pretty long. I recently went back to work part time. I needed a part time nanny for a few hours, a few days a week. I quickly discovered how hard I am to please. (Although my DH has been saying this for years!)

I have plenty of help from various family members. I have a few great sitters. But I really wanted 1 person to come in and help me out, on a regular schedule. I figured it would be better for the kids if it was the same person all the time. (Rather than grandma, or a sitter one day, then some one else another....)

I figured I would pay a very reasonable amount for someone to watch 2-3 of my children at one time, for no more than 4 hours. I would prep lunch, get everything out, leave detailed instructions, and require no type of housework of any kind. I would never be far away, I would never leave them with sick kids, and I had the ability to be pretty flexible on time and days.

Good lord, I must have asked the impossible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here was my request:

*Wanted: One responsible adult to care for my children. This is a part time job, around 20 hours each week. Days and times are partially flexible.

Not one single applicant fit the bill. (Well, not true. There was one girl, she was 20 and would have worked perfectly but she wanted $28 an hour. Which seemed a bit crazy.)

They were smokers. They wanted to bring their 2 children. They had a dog they wanted to bring with. They didn't have a good grasp on reality.....

You name it, I saw it.

Maybe I'm too picky.

But I figure, in the long run, you can never be too picky when it comes to your children, especially when you have the opportunity to control it. There will be plenty of time in the future where I don't get a say in who they spend their time with. I guess high standards are inconvenient, but they do have a pay off. Hopefully by NOT subjecting my children to a sitter who would rather text/talk/surf on her phone, they gain better social skills with a sitter who will play with them.

I don't expect to see eye-to-eye with every potential candidate. I'm pretty strict, I'm very organized, and a little uptight. It's nice for my children to spend time with responsible people who don't have those characteristics. (Well, my DH is lenient, laid back, and spontaneous....so they do get a break from me when he is home.) But I do expect the people who are helping me "raise" my children have similar core values and motivations. I do expect them to be respectful. And I mean respectful to myself, my children, and my parenting decisions. And I guess that's hard for many potential nannies to understand.

I don't require that my sitters or nannies agree or practice our parenting, but I do expect them to respect the choices we make. Advice is fine, tips and tricks are welcome. But do NOT deliberately ignore my requirements.

With one potential candidate we discussed babies. I practice baby-wearing, I nurse, I use cloth diapers....I'm a little granola. I rarely let my babies cry "just because." I feel that "crying it out" doesn't really apply to children under a year. They just don't understand. I pick them up and hold them, I rock them, we try something new. It's pretty time consuming, but babies are time consuming. (It's their job!) This girl looked me straight in the eye and said, "All babies need time to cry, we'll just have to work on that. You can't expect me to hold him all day."

Hmmm.....nope. Thanks so much for your time.

Another candidate smoked. But she would go outside to do it. Well. Thanks for stepping out and leaving my children alone for 5 minutes. And then come in reeking of cigarettes, which I'm sure the children will be exposed to. Not really something I want to deal with. Plus, I have to continuously explain to them that smoking is "yucky" and to never do it. The more children are around and exposed to a particular behavior, the more susceptible they are to pick up that behavior. No thanks.

Bleh....

Until I expect less from people, and lower my standards, what we have will work. I guess I will continue to "make-do" with my support network. They don't seem to mind and my children don't seem to mind. So a nanny isn't really for our family at this time, but that's okay. I still get the things I need to done and my children aren't suffering, what more could a busy mommy ask for?

A day in the life of......

bleh.....

My 3 year old, high-sensory, non-verbal Autistic son had a HORRIBLE day today. I would have to say 90% of it was due to "autism" behaviors, 5% due to him being a 3 year old boy, and 5% due to mommy losing her patience.

Let's start at the beginning. He has never slept. Ever. His body doesn't produce enough melatonin for him to have "normal" or regular sleep patterns. He was up at 5:45 am. And not just awake, but screaming-thrashing-hyper-awake.

At 5:45.

His body was so over-stimulated he couldn't handle a bath. He screamed and cried when I washed his hair because he couldn't take the sensation. He picked at his clothes and wiggled so much I had to hold him down to get him dressed. We had to adjust his socks 3 times before he would walk. He wouldn't eat breakfast. He cried when we brushed his teeth.

And we do the same routine every morning. Every single morning. And it was just one of those days he just couldn't do it. He literally looked like some one poured caffeine directly into his blood stream. He was vibrating with energy.

And he didn't want to be that way. He really wanted to watch a cartoon, play with his racetrack, and read a book but he couldn't sit still. He couldn't even stop moving long enough to enjoy any activity. And it made him sad and frustrated. He really wanted to be calm. He just didn't know how to achieve that.

Now this isn't a blog about autism. Although it's a huge part of our lives, every single minute, this is about how I can make it to the end of the day then get up again and do it tomorrow.

I am emotionally done for today. After all the skills, tips, and techniques we have to get him through these rough parts, I sometimes don't have much leftover.

And I feel a little lost.

But....

I can (and will) make it through days like this because I have support. I know that at therapy today, he got lots of stimulation.

I know that I could gripe and vent to several caring others, who will listen, if nothing else. (And sometimes that's all a good mommy needs, a bitch session)

I know that my DH would come home and pick up the slack or at least take over. (And that's after his day at work plus the commute home.)

And I know that if it was a REALLY REALLY REALLY  bad day, I could call a "someone" to come help me or give me a break.

And, in all honesty, we don't have days like this often. We rarely see this kind of behavior because we have done our homework, we do everything to we can to "prevent" this kind of stuff. (Truthfully, I have no idea what set today off) But I know that they happen. And I have built a support system upon people who I can rely and trust to help me weather these rough days.

In reality, they aren't just helping me survive the "bad" days, they are helping my beautiful, smart, funny (but autistic) child who desperately needs structure and routine just to function.

A good support system is hard to build. It's even harder when you need more than the average person is capable of giving. But I wouldn't trade my support network for a gazillion dollars (that's my 5 yo DD favorite number!).

So it was a rough day. But it could have been worse. No one ended up with stitches. I didn't wreck the car. I didn't pull all my hair out.

And right now, he is sleeping peacefully in his bed. He is exhausted after his day today. But I know when I go check on him before I call it a night, I can kiss his cheek and forgive every battle we had today. I know I can start tomorrow fresh and ready to handle anything that comes our way.

Please welcome the crazy lady!!!!

I think people who don't know me (and by that I mean "see me in action") forget how young all my children are.

As of right now my daughter is 5 1/2. There's almost 2 1/2 years between my daughter and my son. My son is 3 and my next son is 2. They are 13 months apart, exactly. The baby is 3 months. The two youngest are 20 months apart. That's 4 babies in 5 years.

And let me tell you, at our local grocery store, we are a sensation.

I hardley ever shop at night, I love my "down time" too much to go out. I hate paying a sitter so I can shop at naptime. I also shop during the day because I'm already out and about, it saves time and money combining trips. We drop my daughter off at preschool and the 3 boys and I head to the store.

deep breath

It's energy sapping. It takes a lot of patience. But honestly, it's not hard because of the kids, it's the other shoppers who make it difficult.

My 3 year old walks next to the cart. He does, he really does. He holds on and walks all over the store with me. (And 99% of the time, he does it happily.)

My 2 year old rides in the cart. (With a cart cover, he LICKS everything, gross!) He holds the shopping list and my pen. Again, 99% of the time he does this happily.

The baby goes in a front pack. Lately he has been awake long enough to check things out for a bit, but typically he spends the shopping trip unconcious. So he totally qualitifes for the 99% happily part.

What I don't get is.....I am shopping with 3 small quiet, well-behaved children and I still get plenty of critisicm. Now I typically don't mind advice or comments or tips....but I am really starting to get fed up with some of the crap that flows out of people's mouths. Here are some of my favorites:

"Those are all yours?" I nod "My god! Please stop!"

"Wow, I can't believe you have that many kids! That's ridiculous."

"Why would you want that many babies?" (I was prego at the time with #4)

"Good lord! Look! That's insane! I bet her house is a mess." (This was a couple whispering, loudly, to each other behind me in line)

I don't get it. My children are clean, wearing clean clothes. They are behaving themselves with out pleading, begging, or yelling on my part. No one is crying. No one has a fit (usually), and no one runs away!

I think part of my problem is I go in the mornings. There are a lot more poeple there who are NOT in a hurry. It's also the same morning the senior center does their shopping. And typically they dole out some of the nicest compliments I ever get. My top favorites:

"Wow! Look at you! You remind me of myself, with my 4!! I know you're a busy momma!"

"That baby has more hair than I do. But I bet I still have more teeth!"

"What wonderful children you have! They are so well behaved." (Then my 2 year old in the cart bit my hand) "Don't worry Honey, they don't leave scars!"

And I would have to say that I get 6 nice compliments to every horrid one. But I still am baffled why some one would go out of their way to say unkind things to me.

It's not like I'm walking around with 7 children who are whining, crying, running away, or tearing things off the shelves. I'm not screaming or yelling. (to me 7 seems like a lot, not 5, not 6, but 7.....)

I usually brush off most comments. I wish I was a person with quick wit....I never have a comeback for the negative ones. (I always think of them on the way home!) But it makes me wonder, what is a lady who takes 4 kids to the store supposed to be like?

.....maybe it's the crazy look in my eye?

You are what you eat....

Well, since I had chicken and rice, it means I'm healthy, right?

My DD was asking me why we don't hang out with some old friends of ours. I had a very hard time giving her a good answer. So I told her the truth.

"We don't play with Dick & Jane anymore because we don't play the same kinds of games they do." My 5 year old seemed to think this was the perfect answer. Her response was pretty typical. "Yeah, I like playing ponies more than baby dolls anyway."

As parents, we choose to hang out with other parents who have similar parenting styles as our own. It helps us be/become better parents. It helps us stay consistent (the single most valuable piece of parenting you can ever have!) and it gives us an outlet to compare to.

Let me explain the situation so you understand better.

Our children have limited television exposure. My DD doesn't know who Hannah Montana or Miley Cyrus or who ever else is popular right now. Simply because those shows and the people who represent them offer nothing of value to my family. What ever television my children do watch, reflects what we as parents value. Right now, it's education and development. Entertainment is so highly over-rated. No 5 year old will suffer because they had no exposure to Sponge Bob. Plus they have their entire life to be entertained.

I honestly think those particular shows are mindless and ridiculous. And that's not to say that hundreds of children find them hilarious, because they do. I would just prefer my children to find better outlets for entertainment and humor.

And the other side of that coin is, we prefer our children not to watch much television at all. Their "job" as children is to play. If they are too busy watching ANY kind of television, they are not learning the play skills they need to be successful adults.

So we quit hanging out with "Dick & Jane" because they watched television ALL THE TIME!!!! It was on all day long. And it wasn't even child appropriate television. I do not want my children repeating ANYTHING they hear on Jerry Springer, or whatever day time drama show happens to be on.

I sort of questioned the parents of "Dick & Jane." I stumbled around the point for a bit with, "Wow!! your kids are sure into these programs" and "my goodness, does he always recite all the commercials?" But my point wasn't really that clear.

And I'm not a "confronting" kind of person. It's not my job to tell others how to parent. Especially when they aren't asking for tips and advice. So rather than saying, "You guys are lazy parents who are stealing your children's childhood away from them by dumping them in front of ignorant programs all day instead of playing with them or reading to them and we really don't want that kind of influence on our kids or ourselves." We just canceled a few play dates and had "other" things to do when they wanted to visit.

Don't get me wrong, my children DO watch television. But they are 2, 3, and 5. They watch programming geared at their age groups for limited periods of time. Like Sesame Street. We watch a show or two, not one or two hours a day.

They have more important things to do than watch TV. They have towers to build, cars to race, books to read, pages to color, dollies to feed, concoctions to make, stories to tell, toys to hide, games to learn and play, things to dig up, bikes to ride, pictures to paint, play doh to mold, cookies to bake, forts to create, ......

you get my drift.

Now this isn't just about TV. It's about surrounding yourself and your family with those who are on the same page as yourself. The whole "if you surround yourself with positive people, you're a positive person. If you surround yourself with negative people, you become negative" theory.

We try to hang out with people who have strong, healthy marriages. People who feel that discipline is important when raising children. People who make healthy lifestyle choices.

And I'll tell you why I think this is important. When we were hanging out with "Dick & Jane" and their parents, I found my children were watching lots of television. I found myself saying, "Oh, it's fine, they're only kids once...." and other excuses. Rather than playing with my kids, I let the television do it for me. And I felt BAD!!!!! My poor kids deserve better memories of their childhood than sitting in front of the TV. And I let others influence that goal.

I'm not a weak person. I didn't actively make those choices, but since I was surrounding myself with people who didn't really care, I discovered it was affecting me just by default. And I love my children way to much to let that happen.

So, you are what you eat. You are what you watch. And you "are" who you hang out with to certain degrees.

May I please have a clone?

Goodness....I need another me.

Or a full time housekeeper, gardener, nanny, personal assistant, and a chef. And that's just to keep up!!! Back, a bazillion years ago before I had children, I thought mothering was a breeze! A sweet bedtime story, and then off to a glass of wine and a television program I go. Pie. Before I had kids I was a spectacular parent.

Then I actually had them. Kids, that is. I do cut myself a little slack. I did have 4 children in 5 years. So it does make the work load a bit harder. But, the cooking and cleaning, the laundry, the home maintenance, the mommy maintenance still needs attention.

And I'm not really complaining, just clarifying. I have a special needs child. My second child has therapy and classes outside the home almost everyday of the week. It's not like I'm complaining, but sitting at home everyday eating bon-bons and watching Days of Our Lives. (I wish, really, I do!)

So I have one of those fancy mommy calendars. Each person gets a line, and I map out appointments, preschool, therapy, dates (gasp!) doctor/dentist visits....and all the sitters that I need to make all that stuff happen. Then I have a spiffy little notebook where I write down bills, budgets, shopping lists, and reminders. And post-it notes.....we can't forget those ;)

And I still feel like I can't get my feet under me some days. I'm still always rushing, running late, or just plain old frazzled.

And I NEVER want to be frazzled. It's bad for my mommy image.

Maybe I just had an "off" day. Seriously, my daughter made it to preschool on time. And while she finger painted and learned all important preschool things, I got errands done, squeezed in a quick trip to the park, and put gas in my guzzling SUV. And I even got back early enough to check my email in the car, sing a rousing rendition of the "wheels on the bus" to the boys, and nurse the baby super fast! I think I may have just done some bragging?

I think I need a vacation. Or a clone.

No one can do my job. And I don't mean that in a bad way. But I really would like a day off. But since I can't call in sick or take vacation, (Totally not a mom perk!) I guess I need to make a spa appointment and hire a sitter.

Best advice ever, take care of yourself so you can take care of the kiddos and DH. If you feel and look like crap, it will directly affect your attitude and actions, which in turn, directly effect your family (even the stupid cats!).

WARNING: Gold STAR advice was just mentioned!

Take care of yourself. For me this means:
I try really hard to eat every meal with the children. (Partially because then I am guaranteed meals, but if I make something for myself the little monsters eat it!) I also try to get in a walk or some stretching each day. (sigh I really miss the gym though!) I buy myself some yummy lotion, which I rub onto my chapped, frequently washed hands. I wash my face EVERY night before bed. (Nothing like going to bed and waking up with a clean slate.)

So busy is pretty much my only level right now. In fact, I'm sure it has been my ONLY level. I think "it" completes me. I go a little crazy (crazier?) when I have nothing to do. But making a few moments for myself keeps me functioning at mommy-capacity. It keeps my sanity for 3 doctors appointments, 5 therapy appointments, 2 days of preschool each for kid of the kiddos, and an outing this weekend. (And that's only this week!)

Ahh, I feel so much better. Nothing like a little venting to help you re-evaluate your priorities and your goals. :)

Now off to fold some laundry, do diapers, get out gear for tomorrow, clean the kitchen, and get ready for bed. (See I do need to be busy!)

My kids are a Priority

My kids are a priority. But they are not my only one! I can not stand mothers who put their children before EVERYTHING else in their life all the time. (I would like to note that the previous sentence must include "everything" and "all" for this post to make sense!)

I put my children first frequently. More often then not, my entire day revolves around them. (shhh, don't tell them!) But there are other factors that come into play when deciding what comes first.

It's like the age old question, "What comes first? The chicken or the egg?"

Well, in all honesty, my chicken (do I mean rooster?) came first, then we had 4 eggs.

Meaning, that I put my husband (and our marriage) first. Not all the time, not even frequently, but sometimes. Truthfully, it's because in 18 years when my little darlings are all grown up and out of the house (at least in a perfect world) I want to enjoy, like, and love the man I married.

Any relationship can not be on hold for 18+ years. We have to work on our marriage all the time. We work on our relationships with our children more, but we are aware that our marriage is relevant as well.

Truth be told, if we always put the children first, there wouldn't be any time, energy, or money to work on our marriage. And then there would be no point to putting the children first. For our family, it means a two parent home.  And if our marriage were to fail then there wouldn't be two parents!

Some nights "working" on our marriage means (gasp) a night out. It means coordinating a sitter (and paying for said sitter, therapy and meds aren't included). It means prepping dinner, pjs, and children for the sitter. It means doing my hair, wearing make up, and dressing up in nice clothes. It means having dinner reservations and movie tickets. It means not staying up too late, because we ALL know that children don't sleep in when you need them too!

Geeze, I'm exhausted just planning a night out, no wonder why it doesn't happen very often!

Most of the time we have "date night" at home. (Lame, I know) But we make a special trip to the store, where we all go. Yes, all 6 of us trek to the store at the same time, usually on a Saturday morning. We pick out yummy things for our dinner (steak, portabellas, asparagus, garlic, wine, and maybe ice cream) are purchased for us. Things are picked out for the children as well  (hot dogs, candy for bribing, french fries, ice cream for bribing).

We feed the children early and put them to bed. We turn off the baby monitor and make our meal. Together. This means laughing and talking and enjoying a glass or two of wine.

We sit down (sometimes we even light candles) and eat as grown ups. And the monitor is still off. We take our time, we talk, we drink more wine, and we catch up on each other.

Frequently, we discuss various aspects of our children's lives. But we are getting better at talking about grown up things. We reconnect. We re-establish our foundation. Together.

And what this accomplishes is a good solid marriage so we can be a united front. It means we will be on the same page about curfews and dating. It means we are on the same page about punishment and discipline. It means our children can't and won't manipulate the car keys out of one of us!

It also means on that magical day when all four of my little babies pack their junk and move out (sniff, sniff....) I will have a partner, not a stranger, to start the next chapter of my life with.

Go ahead, tell me I'm a horrid mother for putting my husband first. But he'll be right by my side when I tell you to jump off a cliff....