Wanted: 1 perfect person

When it comes to my children my list of requirements is pretty long. I recently went back to work part time. I needed a part time nanny for a few hours, a few days a week. I quickly discovered how hard I am to please. (Although my DH has been saying this for years!)

I have plenty of help from various family members. I have a few great sitters. But I really wanted 1 person to come in and help me out, on a regular schedule. I figured it would be better for the kids if it was the same person all the time. (Rather than grandma, or a sitter one day, then some one else another....)

I figured I would pay a very reasonable amount for someone to watch 2-3 of my children at one time, for no more than 4 hours. I would prep lunch, get everything out, leave detailed instructions, and require no type of housework of any kind. I would never be far away, I would never leave them with sick kids, and I had the ability to be pretty flexible on time and days.

Good lord, I must have asked the impossible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here was my request:

*Wanted: One responsible adult to care for my children. This is a part time job, around 20 hours each week. Days and times are partially flexible.

Not one single applicant fit the bill. (Well, not true. There was one girl, she was 20 and would have worked perfectly but she wanted $28 an hour. Which seemed a bit crazy.)

They were smokers. They wanted to bring their 2 children. They had a dog they wanted to bring with. They didn't have a good grasp on reality.....

You name it, I saw it.

Maybe I'm too picky.

But I figure, in the long run, you can never be too picky when it comes to your children, especially when you have the opportunity to control it. There will be plenty of time in the future where I don't get a say in who they spend their time with. I guess high standards are inconvenient, but they do have a pay off. Hopefully by NOT subjecting my children to a sitter who would rather text/talk/surf on her phone, they gain better social skills with a sitter who will play with them.

I don't expect to see eye-to-eye with every potential candidate. I'm pretty strict, I'm very organized, and a little uptight. It's nice for my children to spend time with responsible people who don't have those characteristics. (Well, my DH is lenient, laid back, and spontaneous....so they do get a break from me when he is home.) But I do expect the people who are helping me "raise" my children have similar core values and motivations. I do expect them to be respectful. And I mean respectful to myself, my children, and my parenting decisions. And I guess that's hard for many potential nannies to understand.

I don't require that my sitters or nannies agree or practice our parenting, but I do expect them to respect the choices we make. Advice is fine, tips and tricks are welcome. But do NOT deliberately ignore my requirements.

With one potential candidate we discussed babies. I practice baby-wearing, I nurse, I use cloth diapers....I'm a little granola. I rarely let my babies cry "just because." I feel that "crying it out" doesn't really apply to children under a year. They just don't understand. I pick them up and hold them, I rock them, we try something new. It's pretty time consuming, but babies are time consuming. (It's their job!) This girl looked me straight in the eye and said, "All babies need time to cry, we'll just have to work on that. You can't expect me to hold him all day."

Hmmm.....nope. Thanks so much for your time.

Another candidate smoked. But she would go outside to do it. Well. Thanks for stepping out and leaving my children alone for 5 minutes. And then come in reeking of cigarettes, which I'm sure the children will be exposed to. Not really something I want to deal with. Plus, I have to continuously explain to them that smoking is "yucky" and to never do it. The more children are around and exposed to a particular behavior, the more susceptible they are to pick up that behavior. No thanks.

Bleh....

Until I expect less from people, and lower my standards, what we have will work. I guess I will continue to "make-do" with my support network. They don't seem to mind and my children don't seem to mind. So a nanny isn't really for our family at this time, but that's okay. I still get the things I need to done and my children aren't suffering, what more could a busy mommy ask for?

A day in the life of......

bleh.....

My 3 year old, high-sensory, non-verbal Autistic son had a HORRIBLE day today. I would have to say 90% of it was due to "autism" behaviors, 5% due to him being a 3 year old boy, and 5% due to mommy losing her patience.

Let's start at the beginning. He has never slept. Ever. His body doesn't produce enough melatonin for him to have "normal" or regular sleep patterns. He was up at 5:45 am. And not just awake, but screaming-thrashing-hyper-awake.

At 5:45.

His body was so over-stimulated he couldn't handle a bath. He screamed and cried when I washed his hair because he couldn't take the sensation. He picked at his clothes and wiggled so much I had to hold him down to get him dressed. We had to adjust his socks 3 times before he would walk. He wouldn't eat breakfast. He cried when we brushed his teeth.

And we do the same routine every morning. Every single morning. And it was just one of those days he just couldn't do it. He literally looked like some one poured caffeine directly into his blood stream. He was vibrating with energy.

And he didn't want to be that way. He really wanted to watch a cartoon, play with his racetrack, and read a book but he couldn't sit still. He couldn't even stop moving long enough to enjoy any activity. And it made him sad and frustrated. He really wanted to be calm. He just didn't know how to achieve that.

Now this isn't a blog about autism. Although it's a huge part of our lives, every single minute, this is about how I can make it to the end of the day then get up again and do it tomorrow.

I am emotionally done for today. After all the skills, tips, and techniques we have to get him through these rough parts, I sometimes don't have much leftover.

And I feel a little lost.

But....

I can (and will) make it through days like this because I have support. I know that at therapy today, he got lots of stimulation.

I know that I could gripe and vent to several caring others, who will listen, if nothing else. (And sometimes that's all a good mommy needs, a bitch session)

I know that my DH would come home and pick up the slack or at least take over. (And that's after his day at work plus the commute home.)

And I know that if it was a REALLY REALLY REALLY  bad day, I could call a "someone" to come help me or give me a break.

And, in all honesty, we don't have days like this often. We rarely see this kind of behavior because we have done our homework, we do everything to we can to "prevent" this kind of stuff. (Truthfully, I have no idea what set today off) But I know that they happen. And I have built a support system upon people who I can rely and trust to help me weather these rough days.

In reality, they aren't just helping me survive the "bad" days, they are helping my beautiful, smart, funny (but autistic) child who desperately needs structure and routine just to function.

A good support system is hard to build. It's even harder when you need more than the average person is capable of giving. But I wouldn't trade my support network for a gazillion dollars (that's my 5 yo DD favorite number!).

So it was a rough day. But it could have been worse. No one ended up with stitches. I didn't wreck the car. I didn't pull all my hair out.

And right now, he is sleeping peacefully in his bed. He is exhausted after his day today. But I know when I go check on him before I call it a night, I can kiss his cheek and forgive every battle we had today. I know I can start tomorrow fresh and ready to handle anything that comes our way.

Please welcome the crazy lady!!!!

I think people who don't know me (and by that I mean "see me in action") forget how young all my children are.

As of right now my daughter is 5 1/2. There's almost 2 1/2 years between my daughter and my son. My son is 3 and my next son is 2. They are 13 months apart, exactly. The baby is 3 months. The two youngest are 20 months apart. That's 4 babies in 5 years.

And let me tell you, at our local grocery store, we are a sensation.

I hardley ever shop at night, I love my "down time" too much to go out. I hate paying a sitter so I can shop at naptime. I also shop during the day because I'm already out and about, it saves time and money combining trips. We drop my daughter off at preschool and the 3 boys and I head to the store.

deep breath

It's energy sapping. It takes a lot of patience. But honestly, it's not hard because of the kids, it's the other shoppers who make it difficult.

My 3 year old walks next to the cart. He does, he really does. He holds on and walks all over the store with me. (And 99% of the time, he does it happily.)

My 2 year old rides in the cart. (With a cart cover, he LICKS everything, gross!) He holds the shopping list and my pen. Again, 99% of the time he does this happily.

The baby goes in a front pack. Lately he has been awake long enough to check things out for a bit, but typically he spends the shopping trip unconcious. So he totally qualitifes for the 99% happily part.

What I don't get is.....I am shopping with 3 small quiet, well-behaved children and I still get plenty of critisicm. Now I typically don't mind advice or comments or tips....but I am really starting to get fed up with some of the crap that flows out of people's mouths. Here are some of my favorites:

"Those are all yours?" I nod "My god! Please stop!"

"Wow, I can't believe you have that many kids! That's ridiculous."

"Why would you want that many babies?" (I was prego at the time with #4)

"Good lord! Look! That's insane! I bet her house is a mess." (This was a couple whispering, loudly, to each other behind me in line)

I don't get it. My children are clean, wearing clean clothes. They are behaving themselves with out pleading, begging, or yelling on my part. No one is crying. No one has a fit (usually), and no one runs away!

I think part of my problem is I go in the mornings. There are a lot more poeple there who are NOT in a hurry. It's also the same morning the senior center does their shopping. And typically they dole out some of the nicest compliments I ever get. My top favorites:

"Wow! Look at you! You remind me of myself, with my 4!! I know you're a busy momma!"

"That baby has more hair than I do. But I bet I still have more teeth!"

"What wonderful children you have! They are so well behaved." (Then my 2 year old in the cart bit my hand) "Don't worry Honey, they don't leave scars!"

And I would have to say that I get 6 nice compliments to every horrid one. But I still am baffled why some one would go out of their way to say unkind things to me.

It's not like I'm walking around with 7 children who are whining, crying, running away, or tearing things off the shelves. I'm not screaming or yelling. (to me 7 seems like a lot, not 5, not 6, but 7.....)

I usually brush off most comments. I wish I was a person with quick wit....I never have a comeback for the negative ones. (I always think of them on the way home!) But it makes me wonder, what is a lady who takes 4 kids to the store supposed to be like?

.....maybe it's the crazy look in my eye?